I guess there is a lot to be said for what can happen as a person’s life evolves through time. In a lot of cases, as priorities shift and life takes place, sometimes things can become lost or hidden. They never truly go away, but can become some mired in the muck of not being used, that they almost become alien. Then, when a sudden loss occurs, it sends one scrambling for some semblage of what was known, or into a cycle of chasing what it was that reminds you of what you lost. It seems that’s what must have happened for me. I don’t have a good reason why otherwise. It’s been a fairly complex span of time really. Not all that long, but so very complicated.
Family is one of those things that, as you scion off into making your own, you decide that youre going to mold it certain ways, and of course, its never quite what you claim it will be. For me, though, music was something I always stressed as important. I may not have been playing like I was, but appreciating it was paramount, pretty close to establishing the importance of Faith even. You taught me that.
Throughout my life, I’ve seen stupid fall like snow flakes, and was even dumb enough to stick my toungue out more than a time or two. What I have found though, is that roots are established for a reason. I established roots in music, just like I have established roots in my Faith. I’d even go as far as saying that music is more than just a large tenet of my faith. I’ve gone through all the stages of naïve country to hippie to hipster and all around the spectrum of metal. I always had friends or peers that “only listened to Christian Music”, and I always thought that was outright dumb…still do really, but its for reasons of semantics I guess. Christian defining the genre, dumb, but the feeling you get when making or listening to the music, if that’s not one of if not THE most purest forms of worship you ever experience, you’re doing it wrong. You taught me that.
I guess really the “stages of grief” could be valid for some people, but after stepping back and watching what I did, and what I’m seeing other people do now too in their losses, it has to be so much more complicated than that. Being a 28 year old father and trying to lead a family is an interesting place to be, but when you’ve spent so much time establishing yourself one way, and ignoring the rest of who you are, sin can catch up REALLY fast. It wasn’t that it was something I was trying to do purposely by any means, really just a matter of misplaced priorities of course, but that’s all it takes, right?
I feel good that I found my faith in the way that I have. My ministry brings me a lot of joy. Seeing people light up because something I said meant something to them, just like when I would be up on that stage and see people singing the words to a song I wrote. Indescribable really. Joy? Maybe, but so much deeper and stronger than that. Feeling bigger and more connected to the whole is something that I’ve come to find out is really so much of being a part of the church as it is called to be. Making music has to be that way too. You taught me that.
I know that there was a lot of questions about where you fell on that whole side of things, but finding those lyrics was all that I needed. I pray a lot. A lot of people think I pray more than is needed, but I don’t know that it will ever be enough. Regardless, those prayers include wanting to establish a legacy like yours. My own, of course, but like you did.
In all of it, I messed some things up, watched people hurt, and probably didn’t cope the way or to the level I should have. In the last few days though, I’ve watched other people go through it and again experienced a senario where I saw a parent burying their child. I can’t fathom this, and I’ve watched it happen closely to me three times now. It just makes it all the more clear that staying on top of these things and ensuring that my kids, and my grandkids, and generations past that, can look back and say of me – you taught me that.
Thanks for all you taught me. You’ll probably never know the breadth of the influence it all had in who I am, but one thing being for certain – I will keep it as a part of me. You taught me that.